Whenever a celebrity is hospitalized with “exhaustion,” we are meant to snicker and understand that this really means they’ve been drinking or partying too much. But today, exhausted and fully horizontal on my couch, I’m considering that exhaustion on its own is a valid thing. Of course celebrities are exhausted! I am tired just from living my life every day and I’m nothing close to famous (although yesterday someone called my Substack “the most entertaining thing on the internet” so HERE I COME).

I got slammed by a migraine last night, which crept into this morning, which then led to that kind of full-body exhaustion where you don’t know how you’re going to get off the subway. Because yes of course I’m an idiot who still tried to go into work and “power though” even though I should have learned that lesson by now. By noon my body felt like soup somehow still contained by the power of skin and I sloshed my way back home and into bed. (It doesn’t help that today is also an unseasonable 76 degrees, which I would usually rejoice, but not when my body is soup.)

Finally collapsed in bed, trying to shake off all the tension of keeping myself pulled together for four hours at the office, I realized what a landmark day this is. Today I have lived in New York City for 19 years. Today I have lived together with Lucas for 8 years. Maybe my body is feeling the collective weight of all those experiences and they are all so dense that my insides dissolved under the pressure? Not to mention that on April Fool’s Day my prank defense shield is already up, like little brain boxing gloves. I took a combo Covid/flu test just to be sure it’s not any of those things (three tests in one! the future is now) and all were negative, so I guess today is just a lot.

Nineteen years is a lot to ruminate on. Why am I doing it here in this blog, after nearly three years of ignoring this space? I can’t explain why, because again, I am currently made of soup. But I suppose I just felt like writing it all down somewhere other than a journal. I feel the need to make a semi-public declaration so the bots can send me more spam via my contact page. I’m so glad to still be here in this city and so glad to be living with Lucas. Those are maybe two of the best choices I’ve ever made in my life. And maybe now I’ll get better about choosing rest before I’m celebrity-level exhausted again.